I observe everyone in this world being so wrapped up and consumed with trying to do all they can to make their dreams come true and fulfill their desires… I’ve been one of those people. “Once I have this or that, I will feel better, my life will be meaningful and valuable, I can stop working so hard, I will be happy…” Those are ideas that we believe in because it’s how the world portrays life is supposed to work, but it’s not truth. Think about it, imagine you had everything you wanted… your dreams and desires fulfilled.. would you be completely full? Would that be enough for you? The world – Christians & non-Christians alike – are so focused on making everything but the one true God enough, so focused on looking to everything else but the Almighty to give fulfillment and satisfaction, but the truth is – is that only God can ever be enough for us… nothing else will satisfy completely.

I honestly don’t even know what my dreams and desires are anymore. I have an idea of things that I’ve always thought were my dreams and desires… yes they are good things to want, but I think about having them, and I still will be unfulfilled and searching for more and new ones to give me fulfillment because what I have reached and obtained still isn’t enough. I’ll be wanting and expecting more from relationships, and when I don’t get it I’ll be disappointed and hurt. I’ll want to do more impactful things to make a difference in this world, to give myself a “name & legacy” that other’s will continue to talk of long after I’ve died… how much is enough though? …before we work ourselves to death and our works become our glory rather than God’s?

Why doesn’t God fulfill my (good) desires and dreams? What is His dream for me? What if He wants me to dream a new dream that I’ve never imagined?… What could that possibly be? Perhaps it’s discovering that even beneath my desire to love and be loved, my greatest desire is for the Most High, my Lord and Savior. What if everything I could possibly hope for and want on this earth crashes down in flames around me; for the reason of generating an ache to feel deeper and stronger passions & dreams to know Him, that become more intense than my desire for all the good things I still want? Yes, this is His desire for me.

I have been desperately searching for fulfillment in all the wrong areas. It’s been my discovery through much destruction and hurt I’ve caused others and myself, as well as through a process of revelation, heartache, humility, weeping, grieving, confessing, repenting, letting go, and more, that God alone is enough for me. I have finally learned this crucial lesson in the toughest way. It has long been my tendency to put second place desires (relationships, dreams, and the like) above my first place desire (God). I especially have looked to relationships to be enough for me, not my Heavenly Father. In doing so, I placed demands, expectations, pressures, and hopes upon the other that were unfair, selfish, unrealistic and wrong, as well as expecting and demanding that they come through for me in the way that I would come through for them. It was easy for me to be the victim and manipulate to get my way. I didn’t respect other’s free will and “no’s”. My disillusion of being hurt by them, was really me being hurt by myself in the unhealthy way I maneuvered. Blame was put on everyone else but myself, and was my excuse to avoid accountability for my actions and motives. Operating in this way, I set myself up for monumental disappointment and hurt, made the other person an idol, and denied God from being my one true fulfillment. The truth is, is that I’m pitifully human, and have for my entire life been surviving and functioning in self-protecting habits, defense mechanisms, and ugly learned behaviors. I was blind, but the veil has been lifted and now I can see wholly and clearly.

It is detrimental to look behind and see the path of damage I left that caused much hurt and confusion in other’s and me. I am now exerting myself to clean-up and repair this damage, in order for healing and reconciliation to triumph. It starts with me taking responsibility and ownership for my actions, motives, and words, by humbly confessing and authentically repenting. When I don’t get something that I feel I need from someone, or something doesn’t go as anticipated, or shitty circumstances happen, or whatever, it’s me letting go, standing and saying, “God, You are enough for me in this…”.

Recently in my life, the Lord has worked healing to the core as I have positioned myself in a proper stance with Him by slowing down to a stop and remaining still. I’ve spent endless hours, days, and months alone, isolated apart from the relationships and things that I look to for fulfillment, affirmation, and love. It’s been me deeply immersed in the presence of my Heavenly Father, praying, listening, writing, reading, reflecting, thinking, as well as receiving momentous revelation, gentle correction, healing, humility, and forgiveness. The Lord Jesus Christ has been my only every day friend that I have been sprinting towards for everything.

I will conclude with this powerful challenge; I cannot change or heal what I do not acknowledge.