lettinggoisloving

A lot of unfathomable change can take place in just one year… in just one day, one hour or even one second. In so many ways I’m not the same person from one year ago, notably in how I relate to others and walk out in relationships. It seems unreal and is crazy to me.

I’ve gained self-revelations that have been profoundly humbling and life-giving, and at the same time have grieved my heart and soul beyond words. If only I had known and seen what I know and see now five or ten years ago… but I cannot dwell upon that wish. Thankfully my Lord and Savior has granted me much grace and mercy with myself as I humbly look in the rear-view mirror and recognize the path of devastation I caused upon myself and others. He has given me so much grace and mercy for myself because I was, at a time, blind and plowing through everything and one around me like a bull in a china shop.

I literally didn’t know any other way.
I was operating with dysfunctional and toxic tools of relating that I was trained with and raised to use.
I was surviving in self-protecting habits formed from childhood trauma.
And I was drowning in a roaring sea of fear and lies.

The truth is, I have never known what love actually looks like or how it rightfully and healthfully operates.

I’m speaking of true love, the love of my Heavenly Father… the love He speaks of in His word and commands me to have for Him, myself and my brothers and sisters. The love that triumphs over and destroys fear. A love that is selfless… and I could go on with a long definitive list.

One year ago marks a pivotal point in my life that I now commemorate. A point where I exploded free from cursed walls that I had exhausted myself and failed continually at getting past. My eyes and heart were blinded by ebony veils that kept me stuck in an unhealthy and vile pattern I detested. Long story short, those veils were miraculously and thankfully removed by my Redeemer, and over the course of a year thus far, my life has been a healing process of being completely stripped bare and learning for the first time what true love is and how to walk out in it. What does being stripped bare look like, you may ask? For me, it was being stripped of all relationships and being hidden quietly with Christ in solitude for nearly a year, so that He could gently open my eyes and heart to one revelation at a time. Hours adding up to days, and days adding up to months of painfully sitting alone and still to be “re-programmed”, while filling up countless buckets with tears. I’ve not wept more in my life than I have these past 12 months.

I believe I have enough words to write a book about the refinement, goodness and truth I’ve gained in 365 days, but to highlight and extend upon one personal revelation out of the many I’ve come full-circle on is…

Letting go is loving. 

Before I share thoughts on this idea, I would like to acknowledge that I don’t have this all figured out – these are my personal revelations up to now. I am daily being enlightened to additional truths of what letting go looks like, and further challenged to continue risking steps forward in doing so.

Letting go has been the theme of my life for three and a half years now, and only recently have I begun to embrace the heart of what it means. It is the single most courageous act of love I am challenged to walk forward in every day of my life. Simultaneously, letting go is the most devastating, painful and seemingly impossible deed I’ve ever been burdened with, yet doing so is radically liberating.

The tighter and longer I hold on, the more I’m vying for control and my will be done, while creating greater heartache for myself and all who are involved. When I openly let go, I am freely able to  give and unconditionally love. There are many scenarios of letting go, but one example to follow this thought is:

 Think of when someone hurt you intentionally or unintentionally. As you hold onto that hurt, bitterness takes root, pride is welcomed and encourages you to judge and avenge yourself, and fear invades and locks you in to withholding love. On the contrary, if you let go of and forgive the wrong, it is a true act of love. It is a humble acknowledgement that we are all human and the one(s) who have hurt us, as well as ourselves, are broken human beings coming together from different walks of life, doing the best we know how with what we’ve been given and trained to use. Letting go in this scenario is a willingness to see beyond ourselves, admit that it’s not about us, erase all debts and expectations and confess that we hurt people too. We need their grace to let go and forgive just as much as they need ours.

Letting go of wrongs incurred upon you from others is one scenario; letting go of lost/ended relationships and of desires, hopes and dreams are two others. There are many detailed scenarios of letting go that I believe (at this point in my revelation) would nest under one of these three.

To let go of a desire, dream or hope does not mean that I stop desiring, dreaming or hoping; it just looks different. It’s difficult to put into words this idea, but desires, dreams and hopes that I’ve let go of, remain alive in my heart, but they are held loosely in the flat palms of my hands pushed upward as far as I can reach towards Heaven. It’s being okay if I don’t see or experience the desire/dream/hope come to fruition in my life on earth. What if God has something beyond my limited capacity to dream that is better than what I believe to be good and desire?

All together letting go is creating room for something new to be birthed. It’s respecting God’s will, in addition to other’s free will. It’s acknowledging that it’s not about me, and that it’s okay to not be in control. It’s radically liberating (to illustrate this point: I exhaust myself when I fight against a current and still end up moving with it in the direction I don’t necessarily want to go. When I let go, my perspective takes a 180º turn off of myself and I’m able to freely move forward, take in the beauty of everything around me and give to others). Letting go is a monumental leap of courage and a sprint of faith and trust towards what is uncomfortably right and true.

So as my story proceeds, I simply take each day one at a time, seeking to be educated, refined and strengthened in true love. May I freely and unconditionally love my God, brothers and sisters with everything in me as I wait patiently for my ultimate desire to be fulfilled – Heaven. Until then, my God alone continues to be enough for me even through letting go of all of my unfulfilled desires, dreams and hopes, lost and broken relationships and woundedness. May His kingdom come and His will (not my own) be done in my life on earth as it is in Heaven. Thank You, Abba Father.

{{psalm: one o’seven}}